Women bishops

On Tuesday's BBC Breakfast I was struck when a young lady chaplain said 'The C of E is not a democracy: it's a family', meaning that Synod doesn't decide things by simple majority vote but according to the needs of each member. It's not relevant that 'traditionalists' (I dislike the way that word is said) are a minority; they are members of the family and must be loved and listened to attentively. My parents made decisions for me when I was a child because I didn't know better than they did (occasionally I still don't). Traditionalists are not children; they are often learned in theology. I may disagree with their opinion on whether or not my sex disqualifies me from the priesthood but their view doesn't disqualify them from membership of the Church family.

The Church doesn't (shouldn't) Move With The Times. I've always hoped it would move with the Spirit. It doesn't need to be - in fact it absolutely <i>isn't</i> - 'relevant' (BBC broadcasting, I'm looking at you here) in a material society, because it doesn't (shouldn't) hold the same values as that society. I don't often see the promotion of unselfish love in secular media; mostly I see encouragement to buy rubbish I don't need. 'Go, sell all your possessions and follow me' doesn't fit there.

So I don't think that Church policy should be influenced by what is important to people in any given era. It has been so influenced in the past, often not for the benefit of the poor, widows or orphans, and sometimes for the benefit of political warmongers. As a woman myself I know that a woman can be just as good at the tasks a priest does - for instance caring for the poor and visiting the sick and prisoners - as a man can be. That is irrelevant to those who believe that a woman simply cannot have the heavenly authority to administer the Body and Blood of Christ or do any of the other things that separate a priest from a community worker.

Even Dr Rowan (whom I hold in high esteem) talked about the Church not being in line with what 'the wider public' wants. If the chief aim of his office is the survival of the Church of England as an institution then fitting in with the current trends of the surrounding unbelieving society is a very important goal for him. But Jesus didn't fit into his surrounding society. When I think about 21st-century Britain and first-century Judea as described in the New Testament I see many similarities. Jesus tells rich people off for ignoring the poor and spends time with people no one else bothers with; the Apostles tell disciples they should keep working and not be a burden on others.

The Church cannot lead its members credibly if it is clearly already following behind social trends. In this situation it is instead the society which is leading, and if the two are not distinct people will continue to cut out the middle-man and just follow society, with no reference to God or Jesus's teaching.

I'm not on the 'side' of traditionalist members, by the way. Since the C of E decided to ordain women the ordination of female bishops has been an inevitability - a large part of the reason why more Catholic priests left the Anglican church in the '90s rather than hang on until they would be subject to one. I know that it is very painful to leave a church that has been more like a family, but if this development is so wholly against one's belief for the right direction of the Church then one must consider whether one cannot in conscience continue to represent the institution as visibly as clergy and committed lay members must.

'Everyone has to ask themselves why they don't like gays'

Ukraine takes aim against 'gay propaganda'

I really wish that the above people would not pretend that their hatred for gay people and their terror of homosexuality comes from the Bible.

The Bible does contain clear negative portraits of homosexual acts, and those gay Christian activists who pretend that it doesn't, or that the writer didn't really mean to include kind and caring people in loving same-sex relationships and would be horrified at that interpretation, are kidding themselves. But the brute existence of such passages in scripture, rare as they are, cannot explain the mass hate to be seen in Ukraine and like-minded countries. It certainly doesn't explain the mass unease in places like the UK and more 'liberal' areas of the US.

Don't try to deny that unease, by the way. You will be lying to yourself. Even if you personally don't feel it, all you have to do is spend time quietly observing a group of ordinary heterosexual young men when one is accused, entirely in jest, of being gay. Previous banter about his level of intelligence, sense of humour and even sexual prowess with women have provoked only good-natured ripostes and easy smiles all round; the moment there is any suggestion that he feels an attraction to men, whether sexual or romantic (I'm not sure everyone in the group usually perceives the difference), the smile is gone, he is instantly surly and defensive and he will often suggest that that accusation is taking banter too far. The accusers seize on his discomfort, not to explore the underlying homophobic feelings which to his credit he works hard to suppress in general, but to tease him the more gleefully about this pretended 'weakness' of being gay. If you were one of the very few people who read my last entry you will know that I am alive to the often unnoticed ways in which unfavourable attitudes towards homosexuality are perpetuated through the unthinking use of detrimental language. It is the same with this kind of 'banter'.

To make my position a little clearer, I'm not over-keen on overtly favourable attitudes either; it irks me that my species with its perceived heightened intelligence must either support or oppose any given sexual orientation as if it were a political party. One may support the appointment of capable women to employment and government positions but one cannot be pro-women, though generations of politicians in the last century have courted The Female Vote by pretending that it is possible. A womb is not a life choice (for most of us anyway), and as far as I can see neither is an attraction to the same gender. I am not myself gay so I am by definition poorly qualified to judge, a position which I wish were more widely taken, and not only in the area of sexuality equality.

I can't offer an explanation for this unease about homosexuality. I don't understand it. Equally, I don't know what Jesus's views on homosexuality are, as I do not believe he is quoted directly on the subject, and even if he has been I have done too much - and perhaps too little - study of the social context, decades after his death, in which the gospels were written to take every attributed saying literally.* I have prayed for guidance in this area and now take the above position; I am given to understand that others have prayed and been differently guided, so from a fact-chasing standpoint I am no further on than I was when I started, but then I am not convinced exclusively by written facts.

My campaign is not for or against homosexuality or any other orientation. I am impassioned to offer an opportunity for people to really consider the things we do thoughtlessly that perpetuate hateful attitudes, and the thoughtless acceptance of the explanation that because someone wrote something down a very long time ago that is the only and unquestionable reason for our prejudices.

* The curse of the casual Christian history student, which if unchecked can make a mockery of the whole idea of faith.

P. S. In an effort to expose the thoughtless antagonism also present among 'liberal' elements towards people acting on different moral impulses, I see members of the organisations which attempt to 'cure' homosexuality at least acting in some degree on the love to which Jesus quite unquestionably did repeatedly call us. Before you oppose this suggestion automatically, imagine that you believe sincerely that there is eternal existence outside this life, that sorrow in this life is as nothing compared to joy with our Creator for the rest of time, and that people who engage in the sin of sodomy will go straight to Hell and stay there. Wait until you are imagining that before reading on. ... In that belief, an attempt to stop the sin is an attempt to ensure that those people avoid an eternity of suffering. It wouldn't be very loving for someone in that belief to just leave the sinners to their unending punishment, would it? Think about it.

'Gay' as a derogatory adjective

I find that there is a tendency, especially perhaps among young people, to use the word 'gay' to mean 'of poor quality', 'bad', 'rubbish'. My contemporaries at high school employed this usage of the word; I trust that they have now grown out of it. (I have in general fallen out of touch with them and so have no recent data from which to judge.) I challenge my young colleagues about this repeatedly, though with precisely no positive result and sometimes with the result that they do it more often and chortle about it. I have brought it up in my reviews with my manager, who is excellent, with apparently as little effect.

Why is this homophobic expression seen as so unimportant? The very ease with which it is passed off when I do bring it up makes it the more unpalatable: the people who use it don't care that I and others find it offensive, or that it perpetuates the social norm of homosexuality - and by extension homosexuals - being seen as undesirable and aberrant. They even laugh at it. I am a student of language, so I have more respect for how it can be used to create significant effects, but it doesn't take much study to realise that if a child is told repeatedly that it cannot do something it will be less likely to try. By extension it seems clear to me that if said child hears that its sexual orientation is synonymous with something broken it will see that aspect of itself as broken and be more likely to suffer as a result.

We no longer use racial stereotypes in general conversation, and if we do we are sanctioned. My workplace for one has a strict policy on this. Demeaning gender stereotypes are frowned upon as well. So why is it more acceptable to use 'gay' to denote something rubbish? Is it because many gay people are white males (my preferred reason)? Because society has not yet got to the point of organically outlawing this discrimination as it has with many racial and gender insults? If it is the latter, those who use the word in this way are amoral sheep, bleating it repeatedly until specifically instructed not to.

Maybe that's the argument to use to stop them doing it. Simply telling them that it is unacceptable didn't work, and their concern for me was insufficient to stop them after it became quite clear that I personally find it offensive. Suggesting that gay people might not like it only prompted even one of the team members I respect the most to inform me that s/he has a family member who is gay and who uses the word in this way; I still don't see the relevance of this information to the current situation. To their credit I believe that if I were gay that fact, in combination with my finding it offensive, would stop it. I believe this to be the first situation to have caused me to wish even briefly that I were not heterosexual, which I think is telling about the way non-heterosexual orientations are perceived and which supports my argument to stop promoting this perception.

On several occasions I have repressed the urge to say something that I think would offend them, or make them uncomfortable enough to think about their own use of language. They know that I am a Christian and I'm sure they're aware that there are many Christian groups whose chief pleasure in life inexplicably appears to be the denouncing of homosexuality and gay people, so I have contemplated telling them that I find homosexuals to be all sorts of evil and subhuman, with the aim either of making them realise the level of offence possible by their use of 'gay' as a derogatory adjective or of making them think I am a rabid homophobe who must not be encouraged. Unfortunately, whilst either of these aims if achieved would probably reduce the instances of 'gay' being used in this way, the initial statement would be a gigantic lie and as such I do not believe myself capable of uttering it.

So I continue as I have been, challenging it when I can. My remaining hope is that by repeating my objections as often as possible I will bore those around me into not wanting to provoke another repetition by using 'gay' as a derogatory adjective.

Another message sent to the OU after an oral exam

I just had my L211 French oral exam on Elluminate and neither the moderator nor the poor soul who had to share my group session could hear a word I was saying after the first few seconds. I had logged on 45 minutes early to check my settings and when I found the problem I called the computer helpdesk, who couldn't help me. I have never had this problem before either with Elluminate tutorials or with my L194 Spanish oral last week, so I don't think it's suddenly my headset that's causing the problem, but I fetched the external microphone from my dictaphone anyway in case the headset had got knocked or something in the last week. The problem persisted.

Will I be able to re-take the assessment at all? I don't especially want my technological problems to be 'taken into account' because if no one could hear anything I said it's not as if there's any recording for the assessors to go on. My French is good and I should be given an opportunity to demonstrate that. I was even looking forward to this exam because I was confident that I would do well and get a good mark. Now I'm looking at a fail for not actually contributing at all, or at best a 40% pity pass from a kindly assessor.

Elluminate is a TERRIBLE way to assess speaking competence. It should only be used in extreme circumstances, for example for students who live in countries where there are no OU centres. The lady who was in my group coped admirably and her French is excellent so I'd have thought she wouldn't need anything to be taken into account, but in case there's a borderline mark or anything I hope that the challenge she faced brilliantly in being effectively all on her own in the exam will be recognised.

I have worked very hard for this course and got good marks for my TMAs, but I am now bitterly disappointed and very worried. I have a disabling helath condition and this situation will only make my health worse. If I hadn't put a down-payment on my next course, and if I had any other option than the Open University, I would withdraw from the degree path.

Anne

My latest Spanish submission

Querida María:

¿Qué tal? ¿Cómo estás? Te escribo desde Aranjuez. ¡Tengo muchas cosas que contarte!

Aranjuez está cerca de Madrid y es una ciudad muy preciosa. Hay unos palacios reales aquí y cuentan con los mejores jardines de España. El Jardín del Rey es mi favorito, y ayer por la mañana lo he visitado yo sola.

Nuestra casa está cerca del centro de la ciudad – ¡es más grande que nuestra casa en Inglaterra! Me encantan sus grandes ventanas porque puedo ver el Palacio Real de Aranjuez desde mi habitación. La familia y yo hemos hecho un recorrido turístico por el palacio el lunes. Es un museo ahora, pero en el siglo XVI fue la casa de los reyes católicos como Felipe II.

Hace sol casi todos los días, y podemos se poner unas camisetas y unos pantalones cortos, pero mi padre lleva siempre unos pantalones. Si no llueve en las cuatro próximas semanas, vamos todos a acampar cerca de la Laguna Grande de Gredos. ¡Si llueve, vamos a llevar unas chaquetas y unas botas!

Tengo que terminar esta carta aquí y ir a comer con la familia. Ése me recuerda que quiero te preguntar a preparar una barbacoa para todos para nuestro regreso. Vamos a volver el viernes 26 de octubre a las seis de la tarde.

Besos,

Anne

How my Spanish oral went

Below is the message I sent to my Open University Regional Centre after I'd had a good cry at three different people, including my tutor, following my Spanish oral exam.

I just had my L194 oral exam.  I would like to make the following points regarding it.

• I was not given sufficient opportunity to ask questions before the Spanish part of the test.  The only opportunity was right at the start when the other student was still able to hear and I didn't want to announce to the world that I was very nervous; the notes indicated that I would have another opportunity after the examiner had described the format, so I waited, but that didn't happen.

• The examiner asked questions that had little to do with any of the topics provided.  First he asked if I was familiar with Spain.  I had revised a lot of phrases and vocabulary to do with places I have lived and travelled but I couldn't see how any of it related to whether or not I knew Spain, which I don't.  The examiner probably expected me to say 'No, pero he vivido en los Estados Unidos...' and launch into a description of my travels but I didn't want to talk about something that wasn't relevant to the question he'd asked so we only got as far as 'No... I've never been to Spain... I know a bit about Madrid and Barcelona...' before he gave up and moved on to the next topic.  After that I went completely to pieces and when he asked what I was going to do immediately after the exam that was all I talked about; I didn't mention that I was planning to study for the next exam later this week, or that I'm moving to Holland next year, two of the things I would have said if I'd been asked more general questions about my future plans or if he'd probed a bit further.

• Elluminate cut out for 5 seconds or so in the middle of the recording.  I was sitting saying 'Hola...?' and 'Lo siento, no entiendo...' with no response, and then he was suddenly there talking over me as if he couldn't hear me, which he probably couldn't as I couldn't hear him.  This loss of communication only served to make me more nervous and less likely to talk.  Elluminate is a terrible medium for any oral exam - a good old-fashioned telephone call would be much better, and I'm under 30 and pretty technologically aware so it's not that the technology baffles me.

My level of Spanish is MUCH better than it will appear from this oral exam; the result of this test is not representative and it is therefore redundant as a measure of my progress.  This is a *beginners'* course - I knew only 'Hola' before I started last November - and we cannot be expected to have the level of fluency and confidence required to respond to such questions and events.  If I have done poorly I will request a resit and be better prepared for the unexpected.

The oral exam question for my other course, L211, has been 'clarified' (updated/changed) at the last minute as well.  I now have little faith in the Open University's examination process.

Great but also crap assignment score

Despite getting a horrendous 50% for my glaring inability to make genders agree, I still got 80% overall for the assignment I wrote in a few hours last Tuesday.

I am gutted.

To explain, the simple effort of more checking/dictionary use would have meant 85% and an A. I'm really angry with myself about this - I have even almost cried. I wish I didn't work - the actual deadline was midday on Wednesday so if I hadn't had to be at work at 8am I could have checked it in the morning. Of course it is also possible that I would have just not started the thing till the morning, in which case I wouldn't even have finished it properly. At times like this I really hate the way my assignment writing works.

'Advice' to start assignments earlier is irrelevant, so don't give it. It is impossible that I wouldn't have thought of this solution. I sit down with the books a week or more in advance but my brain won't engage because I'm not in imminent danger of failing so the most I achieve is a few lines of notes. This just seems to be how I work. I already despise this about myself and I haven't the energy spare to go through the process of entirely changing my approach so it's best you don't bother suggesting it.

I'm really really annoyed about this.

P.S. It is also not advisable to inform me that 80% is a good mark. I know this - cf the title of this post. The issue is that with maybe 15 minutes' checking I could have got an A.

French assignment submitted 23:42:53 on Tuesday 28/08/2012

Anne Chadwick Secretaire de « Venez Un, Venez Tous » 29 Rue de Birques 43411 Tonville

M. le Maire La Mairie 43411 Tonville le 30 juillet 2012

Monsieur le Maire et députés du conseil municipal,

Comme représentant de l'organisation « Venez Un, Venez Tous » j'ai l'honneur d'attirer votre attention sur la situation dans laquelle les citoyens handicapés de notre ville perdent leurs droits de citoyen. Il s'agit du transport collectif en ville ; des services gouvernementaux comme la collection d'ordures et l'assistance sociale ; de l'accès à la mairie ; et les difficultés de trouver et garder le travail. Je suis sûr que vous verrez clairement, messieurs, les solutions que je vous offrirai ; mes objectifs comprennent une amélioration d'accès, que ce soit dans les bâtiments de ville ou dans les emplois.

Au début il y a les difficultés les plus visible, qui concernent le transport collectif. Les conducteurs de bus nous aident mais rarement – peut-être pour peur que faire une erreur et être tenu responsable, ou peut-être simplement parce qu'ils n'ont que plutôt peu de comprehension des besoins des personnes handicapés – donc c'est même plus difficile pour les citoyens handicapés à sortir. C'est insupportable que tellement peu de véhicules portent une rampe, et qu'il y a toujours tellement beaucoup de bus qui n'ont que les étapes. De plus, la position promu récemment dans « The Sentinel » , que les modifications sont trop chers comme il n'y a pas beaucoup de passagers handicapés, est incroyable au temps actuel. La liberté de chaque citoyen est le premier considération, ainsi vous devriez imposer plus de règles sur les entreprises de bus et insister que chaque bus porte une rampe pour les fauteuils-roulant.

À la suite des problèmes avec le transport collectif vient l'inéfficacité des services gouvernementaux en ville. Même avant de monter le bus, il faut d'abord qu'on arrive à la gare de bus. Bien que les entreprises soient responsable de moderniser leurs véhicules et former leurs conducteurs, il semble que ce soit vous qui avez la responsabilité d'améliorer les trottoirs pour tout le monde, et surtout pour ces citoyens qui trouvent déjà les trottoirs très difficile à naviguer. Vous avez aussi la responsabilité de garder les espaces de voiture consacrés pour les conducteurs handicapés ; ces sont souvent déjà pris par des autres conducteurs qui n'ont aucun besoin. Une autre service très important est la collection d'ordures. Les éboueurs sont très serviable mais avant qu'ils arrivent il faut que nous tirions les poubelles plus de deux cent mètres de nos maisons, et puis les retourner chez nous, et encore les routes ne sont pas bien goudronnées. Il nous aiderait bien si vous pourriez envisager employer un(e) contractuel(le) pour protéger nos espaces de parking désignés, et si les supers éboueurs pourraient collecter les poubelles de les maisons de nous dont les incapacités nous empêchent de tirer nos poubelles au camion.

Ensuite vous devrez examiner vos propres édifices de gouvernance. Ces bâtiments sont très anciens – afin que nous puissions entrer dans la mairie c'est nécessaire pour nous citoyens handicapés d'aller en derrière du bâtiment, à cause de sa construction avec beaucoup d'escaliers et peu de rampes. Par conséquent, selon le site web « Pits 'N' Pots » , telle situation est révoltante de nos jours, qu'une mairie peut être construit en tel façon pour que quelque personne soit humiliée ou isolée de la société. Et ça n'est pas le pire. Grâce aux routes mal goudronnées, pleines parkings et la manque d'accès à la mairie, il parait que trop beaucoup de citoyens handicapés ne sachent rien de la mairie, ou même qu'il existe une organisation comme « Venez Un, Venez Tous » pour leur aider. Si vous pourriez peut-être offrir une carte de bus au moins à quelqu'un qui utilisent un fauteuil-roulant, la situation devra s'améliorer.

Enfin, et lié au sujet de transport et de parking, je vous prie de considérer l'effet de vos délibérations sur le marché d'emplois. Surtout de nos jours, il arrive qu'une personne handicapée ait peu chance de trouver un emploi quand il y a tellement beaucoup d'autres applicants qui ont la bonne santé, et il semble que nous ne puissions pas garder même un petit boulot si nous devons prendre les congés pour raison de mal santé. Les personnes handicapées sont souvent les plus motivés dans un lieu de travail et avec un peu de flexibilité de travail vous ne regretteriez pas que vous encouragiez les entreprises locales de nous prendre dans leur main-d'oeuvre.

Pour concluire, messieurs, je vous remercie de lire mon lettre et je vous encourage de considerer les solutions que j'ai proposé pour combattre les problèmes facé par une personne handicapée. Nous vous demandons d'enseigner les conducteurs de bus, imposer plus de règles et peut-être introduire une carte de bus pour les citoyens les plus handicapés. Si vous pourriez aussi goudronner les routes, protéger les espaces désignés dans les parkings, installer les rampes pour aider l'accès aux bâtiments nécessaires et encourager les entreprises locales, vous auriez le main-d'oeuvre le plus motivé dans le département.

Je vous prie de bien vouloir agréer, Monsieur le Maire, l'expression de ma haute considération.

Anne Chadwick

Secretaire de l'organisation « Venez Un, Venez Tous »

808 mots

Paedophilia and the death penalty

Someone on a social networking site to which I contribute from time to time has shared a meme declaring that s/he is in favour of the death penalty for paedophiles.

I am opposed to the death penalty as a whole, and especially to a grieving/aggrieved family/victim being given any say in sentencing (something else I've heard advocated). On that point, to those who say that I would feel differently were I that victim, I agree that that is quite probably true; what I disagree with is the conclusion that the judgement of an emotionally scarred version of me is a sound basis on which to decide someone else's life expectancy. People don't seem to think that a time of grief or personal hardship is the best time for an individual to decide whether he should end his own life - the individual is in this case deemed to be understandably irrational and offered counselling - so why give him responsibility for someone else's death or incarceration for life?[1]

On the subject of paedophilia, I genuinely (honestly, not figure-of-speech 'genuinely') don't understand why it is given such a high profile and condemned so much more strongly than other forms of abuse or assault. I don't want to encourage the sexual molestation of children, but neither do I wish to encourage domestic violence, non-sexual child abuse or rape, to cite three examples.

Paedophilia without action is, in its most basic form, an attraction to children. If this is viewed as abnormal, which it certainly seems to be, then if it is brought to light the paedophile should be educated and perhaps treated psychologically, and it should be ensured that he[2] is not placed in situations where he might harm children (not by drastic action such as execution). If the paedophile acts upon the attraction and shows no inclination not to repeat the offence, he should be kept away from all children, the most effective non-lethal means being, as far as I can see, imprisonment.

I have yet to see a meme advocating the death penalty for other forms of abuse, indicating that such feeling is not as widespread as the general disquieting vilification of paedophiles.[3]  Whilst it can demonstrably be argued that children require more protection than adult abuse victims, this is not an argument to kill people who find children sexually attractive. 

It was once unlawful for men to act upon sexual attraction to other men, and other sexual conduct may be outlawed in the future.  One day, for example if procreation no longer requires heterosexual intercourse, even my own currently normal (in the sense of being a prevailing norm) preference for adult men may become socially unacceptable.  Paedophilia is a preference.  The act of it seems to me to be a case of rape,[4] since children are seen to be less capable of understanding or rejecting such advances, and rape is currently illegal and punishable, quite firmly, under the law. 

To conclude, we already have harsh penalties for paedophilia, including penalties for the encouragement of underage pornography by the possession of such materials, and the current punishments allow for future reintegration of offenders, which capital punishment does not.  We no longer impose the death penalty at all in the UK, and that is something I value as priceless in our society.

1 All questions on this blog are entirely rhetorical unless stated otherwise, and answers are not welcomed.
2 I use 'he' in the general sense, not to suggest that all paedophiles are men.
3 This is not an invitation to link me to memes you may have seen.
4 Incidentally, I agree (reluctantly) with the minister who was pilloried for saying that there are 'degrees' of rape.  A 'child' aged 15 years and 364 days who had sex with a slightly older partner would today be a rape victim, but would tomorrow in the same situation be a consenting adult.  This is not the same as violent assault.

Coders sought for island hacking

Coders sought for island hacking

The Journey Home

Ye. Gods.
I'm on the 21:00 East Midlands train out of St Pancras. I should have been on the 20:15 but the preceding Eurostar was held up for 45 minutes by an electrical storm in France and we hadn't even arrived at St Pancras by 20:15, let alone got through customs. I've got a Eurostar business card so I know who to badger for whatever I'm due from them, but East Midlands Trains have very kindly waived the requirement for me to buy a new ticket for the journey, saving me £80 or so. Props to East Midlands Trains - I'll use them again. And the station is directly in front of a power station; it reminds me of the Fairy Godmother's house/factory in Shrek 2. Next time I'm going for the photo op.
Being 45 minutes late out of London is the least of the problems with this journey, however. It began on the Caen-Paris St Lazare train, when the heating came on in my carriage on the most humid if not actually the hottest day of my week in France. I thought I was going to suffocate - I went into the vestibule and lolled on the floor till the guard came and asked if I had a ticket, presumably in the belief that I was on something. When I got to Paris it was just as bad: there were very few signs for the Magenta metro station at St Lazare and when I finally made it to Gare du Nord all the lifts were broken and I had to carry my case up 7,000 flights of stairs.* I actually collapsed at the top of (what at the time I believed to be) the penultimate flight, something I haven't done for a long time. A truly horrible experience.

Which is all a great shame, as this morning was great :) We should have started the week with something like this morning's activities, had a good laugh and got our confidence up. The theme was Cultures, so we read and wrote poems and short stories and then acted out extracts from nonsense plays, which was awesome. We ended the session with an upstanding rendition of the Marseillaise and agreed for the purpose of international diplomacy to overlook the 'combat impure blood' bits. Fantastic :)

* My vision had blurred by this point, so my calculations may be a little out.

Group presentation was AWESOME

I am still typing on an AZERTY keyboard; please forgive any errant keystrokes. This afternoon each group presented its project to each other group in turn, and for ours ('Les Jardins Partout Pour Tous') I was presenting the objectives and benefits of creating community gardens and allotments on currently waste ground. I really enjoyed it - I'd love to do another one tomorrow. I have come to the conclusion that giving a very short presentation should be scheduled at the start of the week, to increase students' confidence in speaking. I now feel myself much more sufficient to hold a conversation in French (and have indeed since done so) than I did this morning. Giving a presentation repeatedly on something I understand has increased my confidence and fluency - by the time the second group arrived I was improvising without my notes, and after the second or third repetition I even spontaneously varied the tense (even to the conditional and the use of 'si'!) and mode (use of the subjunctive!) of what I was saying. That is how to gain practice in hearing one's own voice pronouncing sentences.

All week they've tried to teach us how to hold a spontaneous conversation mostly by throwing us into such conversations, with fast-speaking French people, with little or no preparation. This is not realistic for people whose conversation practice in the preceding twelve months is practically nil. My knowledge and understanding of French was good when I arrived and may now be very slightly better; but I could have improved so much this week if there had been a strong element of non-spontaneous speaking early on. I don't have to create French statements or think up responses to questions on a daily or even a monthly basis in my ordinary life, so how am I to be expected to respond to suddenly being required to do so for days at a time? However I might have been expected to react, what happened was that I became painfully shy and have only really expressed myself fluently in French when irritated. I do not wish for the solution to my shyness to be constantly becoming aggravated.

So that is my conclusion at the end of an expensive and debilitating week in Caen: starting with structured presentations may bore the people who live in France/are French,* but they are not the ones who need the most help and the week needs to focus more on noticeably improving students' speaking ability by beginning with something to give them confidence. I may email an edited version of this post to the course organisers when I get home.

* I understand that there is at least one French person here this week and I can only say that I am extremely grateful not to be in his/her tutor group.

P.S. I have been given my dates for the speaking exams, and they could hardly be more convenient had I picked them myself: Spanish 6-9pm on Monday 24th September (a weekend to revise!) and French 6-9pm on Thursday 4th October. Win. With luck and a following wind I may pass this year creditably, and go on to visit my young man in Holland afterwards with a clear head. :)

Toujours à Caen

J'ai reçu 85% pour mon projet le plus récent, et je suis contente. La note du dernière projet était trop bas pour réfléchir le travail il a contenu. Je suis toujours à Caen, juste. Aujourd'hui j'ai rencontré avec la conseillère pédagogique pour renoncer du cours, à cause de mon incapacité à dire quelques simples sentences en français. Je me sens comme idiote - aujourd'hui je ne peux pas comprendre aucune chose, même en anglais, et si on veut une réponse on devra attendre jusqu'au enfer congèle plus. Mais je lutte à continuer, parce que ça m'énervera vraiment si j'ai fait toutes les choses jusqu'à ce moment, complété tous les projets, et assisté aux tous les séminaires (même l'un auquel j'étais toute seule avec la professeure), seulement à faire défaut au dernier obstacle. Mais je ne veux pas me faire mourir avec trop de travaux (ça a un son très familier). La directrice du cours a dit que je ne dois qu'assister à la classe le matin, et éviter les activités l'après-midi qui ne sont pas obligatoires. En cette manière je peux réussir et répondre aux exigences sans me tuer. Maintenant j'ai une des activités qui ne sont pas obligatoires que je vais essayer à faire parce que c'est du subjonctif, et comme tel c'est très utile pour quelqu'un dont la langue n'a pas le subjonctif. A bientôt.

Caen: Day: Minus One

Yesterday was SUCH a long day of travelling. Since it had to be a single-day journey I made the right decision to do it the day before registration rather than registration day itself - even leaving East Midlands Parkway at 8:32am I still didn't get to la Gare de Caen until 5:10pm, and from there it's another 15-minute tram/bus/taxi ride to the campus, plus a further 10 minutes spent hunting for reception. Registration today is at 2pm. Not doable. Good decision, pat on the back.

I would like publicly to thank my mother for picking me up before 7 o'clock yesterday morning to go to the station, and for organising and ferrying my cats to go on their holiday while I'm away. East Midlands Parkway station was a surprise: it is a pleasant and modern station, which sits directly below a power station with an assortment of giant cooling towers. The whole place smells of steam. Yes, unexpected. Photo opportunity.

The journey was uneventful in the main. I met up with a fellow student and we helped each other across Paris between Gare du Nord and St Lazare. If I make a similar journey in the future I'll allow more time for changes, especially when one change is for Eurostar. Must think of it as a land aeroplane, with corresponding passport check/customs timescales. Armed police everywhere at both ends, the French ones in army getup. Unnerving. I was glad to get on and away.

By the way, Eurostar is UNCOMFORTABLE. The seats are fixed in a semi-recline position and are designed for people at least 4"taller than I am - the curvature of the seat bore no resemblance to the shape of my spine in any position of which my body is capable (I tried quite a few in an effort to get comfortable); in the end I went to sit in the vestibule on one of the folding seats because that was more comfortable than my £100 booked passenger seat. Complaints aside, it really was more comfortable, not only in posture terms but also in climatic terms - I felt miles better for having spent the last half-hour before Paris Nord in a cool, empty, breezy area on a comfortable and supportive seat with more leg room, light and view. I recommend it for the entire duration of the journey.

Now I am using McDonald's wifi but my tram goes soon so I'll tell you about today another time :)

Be like a panda

Still not quite right, and Spiderman

Yesterday I went to the cinema, ostensibly to see The Amazing Spiderman but mostly to test my ability to cope with an outing on my own. I work a short walk away from the cinema so it was a reasonable comparison. I managed to get home, although by the time I'd walked from the bus stop to the top of Corporation Street I was lurching like something out of one of my young man's horror films.

To explain, I had to go home from work ill last Friday lunchtime and I have spent more time than I'd like in bed in the intervening week. I've got a little done towards my now twice-extended French assignment but my brain just won't process information efficiently enough - I'm really really slow, mentally. It's quite worrying, even frightening, to have such difficulty comprehending what are not impossible tasks. One wonders whether one might not after all be capable of working full time.

At the moment I am considering that it might be depression as I am easily made to cry at the moment; perhaps the trouble with focusing on the French is motivational. I don't know. I went to see the lady doctor at the surgery the other day to get a sick note and two other things she didn't provide but I didn't mention the depression-like aspect - she is not someone to whom one can talk openly, which does not recommend her as a General Practitioner. Well well, something will work itself out.

On the whole it's a good thing I wasn't fixing all my hopes on the quality of the film, as I found it quite unpalatable. I don't expect reasoned arguments for world peace from a superhero film - indeed my main reason for going to such films is that I won't have to think too hard - but I do expect the promotion of responsible behaviour, especially when the dialogue is full of advice in that direction. I did not appreciate a scene where the hero enters a girl's bedroom through the window and proceeds to come onto her while she's patching him up; my objection is not to that itself, but to the part where she says 'No, no, no' and he says 'Yes, yes!' and keeps trying to kiss her. What is this saying to teenage boys about what to do when a girl says No? Especially as she does not ultimately kick him in the unmentionables but reluctantly gives in to his winning smile. And, if this is not too much of a spoiler, he routinely forgets his small promises and then in the end deliberately breaks a really important one. Very disappointing superhero role-model behaviour.