Still in Holland

Morning :)

I'm still in bed at 11, mostly because I've done a very great deal this week/fortnight with too little rest for an ME person; the immediate cause is yesterday's little tumble from my bike, which was rather upsetting despite causing no apparent lasting damage to either bike or me. There was alternating snow and freezing rain all day - when I got back to my bike after college there was a sheet of shiny solid ice covering one of my panniers - and when I braked to avoid hitting a cyclist I hadn't seen earlier because of the ice needles in my eyes the wheels stopped turning but the bike continued its forward motion. I stopped it with my foot but first swerved into the pavement and then toppled over sideways onto said paving stones. Ouch. I don't have anywhere to be today (for the first time ever, or so it feels) so I've decided not to go out on still-slippery roads that negate my brakes, and I'm making the most of it.

Yesterday, aside from the RTA and the weather that caused it, was a really good day :) I had college at 9am so was up and out with Erik in the morning before the precipitation began, and I enjoyed the lesson again, though again the only Dutch I learned was the word for a smart suit (het pak) and the odd colloquial expression our tutor Ineke dropped in from time to time.* At the break Ineke asked if I was getting enough from the beginners' course; I said I was enjoying it but when she asked if I'd learned much so far I had to say no, which was when she suggested that I try the next level up. I'm happy to blow my own trumpet from time to time but this is a bit daunting - skipping a whole course might leave me without some crucial basic grammar and vocabulary, though I'll have the textbook for reference. I put this to Ineke and later to Erik and they both said independently that anything I didn't know I'd be able to ask or look up for myself, so I'm going to take her up on the offer. I think it's pretty decent of her and the college not to insist on my taking (and paying for) both courses.

The second level class was meeting last night so before we knew what the roads were like I said I'd come along and find out how much of a leap there'd be. Of course after I'd walked the bike most of the way home in the sleet and snow I no longer planned to attend, but in any case Erik had had a call from Ineke cancelling the session, probably due to the weather conditions, so I'll go to the next class the Monday after next week's half-term holiday, thankfully in the morning and not 7-10pm like the Thursday one. My lovely little bike has lights (the clever front one powered by dynamo) but I'd rather not have to cycle at night.

Incidentally, I really do <3 my bicycle. It is black with high handlebars, the standard Dutch chain cover and a spiky retro flower pattern on the frame, and it is a beauty :) There are only three gears but after all I'm not a road racer and since there are no hills to speak of there isn't much call for a wide range of low gears. I was at a bit of a loose end on Wednesday afternoon, after going to the stadhuis again (of which more anon), so I had a bowl of soup in a cafe and then took myself off for a wander in the Botermarkt as it was market day. There was a stall with a gentleman selling cycling accessories so I bought my bike a couple of welcoming presents: a set of inexpensive panniers, mainly for college books and grocery shopping, and a seat cover to keep it from freezing in weather like yesterday's. It's sad that it lives outdoors but I would ride it less if it were in the berging so it'll have to cope with the cold till the weer improves. (I typed 'weather' there but my phone's auto-fix bot changed it to 'weer' and since that is the Dutch word for weather I decided it was fate and left it.)

The other thing I did yesterday was to visit a local volunteer organisation called Gilde Samenspraak ('speaking together group') which matches up immigrants like me with native Dutch speakers for an hour or two's Dutch speaking practice once a week or so. The ladies there were very nice and friendly, and they put my jumper and scarf on the radiator to dry. They were very complimentary about my Dutch accent :) and will contact me if the volunteer they have in mind is willing, and have provided me with details of several musical ensembles and choirs in the area. On top of all this, I now have a voucher for a year's free library membership (you have to pay an annual subscription here), including 'meelezen' books which you read along with an audio file of the text, like parents reading with young children. I was in the library the other day, hiding from the weather with my crochet, and overheard two young girls revising for an English test :) It's a very bright and pleasant space. Since I'm not braving the city roads today I may have to wait till Monday to take up this opportunity but that is fine by me :) Free books and audiobooks! Libraries FTW.

So, the repeat stadhuis visit. You may remember that I had an appointment there on Tuesday to register my presence in Leiden. I dutifully turned up in good time, in fact half an hour early after taking account of likely delays, such as getting lost (a frequent occurrence this week), which did not in the end materialise despite there being not one sign on the building announcing it to be the city hall. Perhaps to Dutch people the simple fact of it being the only surviving mediaeval building in the street is advertisement enough. I whiled away the time in crocheting a hat to go with the mittens I got up in a hurry last week to delay frostbite, but when I got to the desk the lady told me that Erik needed to be registered first in order for his letter of permission for me to live in his house to be valid. So I sighed and took away all the paperwork, bravely resisted beating Erik that evening when he found it all terribly amusing, and went back on Wednesday morning for their drop-in session after the nice gentlemen from the appliance shop had delivered our dinky new freezer (yay freezer). Everything being now in order, except my birth certificate which apparently requires a sticker (?) from Milton Keynes, I should receive my Burgerservicenummer (BSN) within a fortnight. As I understand it this is something like an American social security number - without it I am unable to open a bank account, set up a mobile phone contract or, most importantly, obtain health insurance. Considering my demonstrable cycling proficiency level and the related likelihood of needing said insurance in the near future, all speed to the Dutch postal service.

Things keep happening every day, too many to report in full :) I'm getting to know my way to/around certain bits of the city pretty well and I've visited Erik at work twice so far. Ulrike who owns the shop is very cheerful and nice, and has said I'm welcome to turn up at any time :) She is German so we had a bit of a chat (mostly in Dutch) about Dutch pronunciation and related things, and she's offered to find out about local Orthodox churches from a friend of hers. People in general (especially those over 30 who are not government employees) continue to be very generous and kind, and the Gilde Samenspraak ladies assure me that if I ask Dutch people not to speak English they will be patient with my still-halting Dutch. I shall investigate local music groups where I'll just have to speak more Dutch, cram for starting the second half of the textbook after half-term, and await word about my potential taalmaatje (language buddy). What an adventure! :)

* e.g. when something is easy peasy you say 'appeltje eitje!' (little apple, little egg) - isn't that sweet? :)

Uit Nederland

Dag alles.  I arrived in Holland early on Monday morning after several nightmare weeks of packing and not sleeping.  I would like to state first that Erik is a saint and I would not have survived without him.  My parents also deserve high commendations for all their help, especially my mother.

The ferry journey was really rather pleasant.  I won't go on about it: I shall just say that the cabin was clean and spacious, with sizeable bunk beds and an en suite shower room, and they fed us quite a posh three-course dinner and an English breakfast.  I barely felt the ship's motion at all.  Indeed, it was such a pleasant and relaxing means of transport that I would do it again, even though in the past I have had only the most unpleasant of experiences on ferries.  Well done Stena Lines.

The most I have to describe is more recent - so much has happened in so short a time!  I am this hour returned from my first-ever Dutch lesson and I think that the course is going to be marvellous.  My fellow students are,without exception, nice, bright, keen women (no men in this class) who really want to learn Dutch and who ask sensible questions without looking like they think anyone is going to eat them for it.  That last is testament to the atmosphere in the group.  No one even gave me death-glares when I volunteered something in Dutch or asked a question that wasn't exactly to do with the point under discussion.  Although they have all been in Holland for months and I only got here on Monday I think I have studied the language most out of all of us - after all I haven't been coping with an international house move with family/job/bills/etc into the bargain.  The course book costs all of €95 new, which is pretty steep even with the included CD-ROM, but I am hopeful of finding a second-hand copy on the interwebs for much less than that.  I didn't learn very much from today's lesson because my level is already about right for the first part of the course, but I will learn more as we go along and I really enjoyed the class - three hours passed like one!  AND two of the group are Spanish au pairs who have very generously agreed to speak Spanish to me from time to time!  Truly I have fallen on my feet. 

Speaking Dutch grows easier with each passing day of practice. I have been on two shopping trips (three if you count yesterday when I got to the supermarket till and thought I'd left my money at home, only to remember as I got back to the flat that my money isn't in my purse because I haven't got a Dutch bank account yet and I'd had it all along; I returned quietly to the shops and chided myself muchly) and asked for assistance in Dutch from four shop employees, including one gentleman from a country other than Holland who, when asked if he spoke English, replied 'I barely speak Dutch!', which entertained me greatly :)  Needless to say, the succeeding conversation is the most Dutch I have spoken with anyone but Erik since my arrival.  I have an appointment on Tuesday to register myself as a legal resident in Leiden, for which procedure Erik has to produce a letter of permission formally stating that it's OK for me to live here.  If it isn't this is probably a bad time for him to tell me, so I hope that the letter will be forthcoming anon.

The bicycle Erik provided for me to get to college today is far too tall: even with the seat at its lowest I can barely touch the tips of my toes to the ground, which is a very frightening position to be in at busy junctions, I can tell you.  When I put this to Erik this morning he said, rather caustically, 'That's a standard Dutch bicycle.  Do you want a children's bike?', to which I felt like saying 'Do I look like a standard-height Dutch woman?  If it stops me rolling under a bus, yes!' but I didn't because he was being otherwise kind and saw me all the way to the college in the pouring freezing rain even though it meant he couldn't be early for work like he wanted.  He really has been an absolute gem throughout the whole international escapade so far, and I have been trying enough, I promise you.

So after college this lunchtime two students (Rachel from America and Michal from Israel) and I went for lunch at a falafel bar (I know, I know, but it was really not inedible at all) and then Rachel took me to a second-hand bike shop she's known for a while and we found a low-frame ladies' bicycle for €120, which is not at all bad for a good bike.  It has a dynamo that powers the front light as one pedals, and a wheel lock and a stand, none of which features appear on the one I've ridden today.  I felt positively precipitous whenever I had to stop and (try to) put a foot down, so a lower seat will be a joy.  Erik is going to stop by there after work and pay off the balance - I put down a deposit to make sure it won't have disappeared by the time he gets there.  My plan was to get a bus to meet him at the shop and ride My New Bike home but the bus doesn't save much of the walk and I wouldn't know when to push the button anyway, so on the whole I'd rather not.  Erik's new plan is to leave his bike at work and ride my little one home, if his legs aren't entirely too long.  We may go to look at carpets this evening, as the nearby home decor shop is open till 8, though we'll see if I'm still mobile enough by the time Erik gets home with the aforementioned bicycle.  The bedroom and my study both lack floor coverings and my study walls still need painting, so we do need to get on with choosing things.  We're planning to have a look on Saturday but Erik's parents are coming round (Erik: 'Don't worry, they know about the chaos.'  Me: 'Thank you, dear.') and I expect we'll be tidying up, and I might even be expected to cook (heaven forbid).  

I don't intend to cook tonight, especially if it would mean walking or taking the scary bike to the supermarket to get fresh vegetables.  We do have two sausages left from last night's tea and I could eke out a side dish from packets of rice and dried vegetables.  If that doesn't suffice we'll manage on sandwiches, or else we could eat out somewhere or try a local taken-away food specialist.  I feel like celebrating today because my last rent payment for my little house in Stoke (which is still on the market to buy and to rent, by the way, and is actually much nicer than the pictures make out) has been refunded to my bank account and Bramptons have authorised the refund of my deposit in its entirety so I will shortly be considerably better off.  No need to splash out on luxuries in general, of course, but I think one meal out won't break us.

Good heavens I'm tired.  Everyone tells me cycling is easier on the muscles than walking.  I don't know about that, but I'm going to break the bike in over the next week before my next Dutch lesson, getting to know the area and learning how to navigate cycle lanes.  I did find that my headscarf in its customary position limits my peripheral vision too much for safety so I'll put it up the way I used to in uni, tied around a bun.  It'll still keep my ears warm but will allow me to see more people before they crash into me.  I will also look out my gloves from whichever box they lie in - it was bitter in the sleet this morning and I would very much like to feel my hands when they are in charge of the brakes.  Erik's bike is an 'oma-fiets' or 'grandma bike', with no brake levers - you pedal backwards to brake - but I don't want to be dealing with unfamiliar braking methods as well as unfamiliar road layouts and over-confident Dutch cyclists so I'm glad that my new bike is not one of these 'proper' ones.

Nap time.  Goede middag.

Women bishops

On Tuesday's BBC Breakfast I was struck when a young lady chaplain said 'The C of E is not a democracy: it's a family', meaning that Synod doesn't decide things by simple majority vote but according to the needs of each member. It's not relevant that 'traditionalists' (I dislike the way that word is said) are a minority; they are members of the family and must be loved and listened to attentively. My parents made decisions for me when I was a child because I didn't know better than they did (occasionally I still don't). Traditionalists are not children; they are often learned in theology. I may disagree with their opinion on whether or not my sex disqualifies me from the priesthood but their view doesn't disqualify them from membership of the Church family.

The Church doesn't (shouldn't) Move With The Times. I've always hoped it would move with the Spirit. It doesn't need to be - in fact it absolutely <i>isn't</i> - 'relevant' (BBC broadcasting, I'm looking at you here) in a material society, because it doesn't (shouldn't) hold the same values as that society. I don't often see the promotion of unselfish love in secular media; mostly I see encouragement to buy rubbish I don't need. 'Go, sell all your possessions and follow me' doesn't fit there.

So I don't think that Church policy should be influenced by what is important to people in any given era. It has been so influenced in the past, often not for the benefit of the poor, widows or orphans, and sometimes for the benefit of political warmongers. As a woman myself I know that a woman can be just as good at the tasks a priest does - for instance caring for the poor and visiting the sick and prisoners - as a man can be. That is irrelevant to those who believe that a woman simply cannot have the heavenly authority to administer the Body and Blood of Christ or do any of the other things that separate a priest from a community worker.

Even Dr Rowan (whom I hold in high esteem) talked about the Church not being in line with what 'the wider public' wants. If the chief aim of his office is the survival of the Church of England as an institution then fitting in with the current trends of the surrounding unbelieving society is a very important goal for him. But Jesus didn't fit into his surrounding society. When I think about 21st-century Britain and first-century Judea as described in the New Testament I see many similarities. Jesus tells rich people off for ignoring the poor and spends time with people no one else bothers with; the Apostles tell disciples they should keep working and not be a burden on others.

The Church cannot lead its members credibly if it is clearly already following behind social trends. In this situation it is instead the society which is leading, and if the two are not distinct people will continue to cut out the middle-man and just follow society, with no reference to God or Jesus's teaching.

I'm not on the 'side' of traditionalist members, by the way. Since the C of E decided to ordain women the ordination of female bishops has been an inevitability - a large part of the reason why more Catholic priests left the Anglican church in the '90s rather than hang on until they would be subject to one. I know that it is very painful to leave a church that has been more like a family, but if this development is so wholly against one's belief for the right direction of the Church then one must consider whether one cannot in conscience continue to represent the institution as visibly as clergy and committed lay members must.

'Everyone has to ask themselves why they don't like gays'

Ukraine takes aim against 'gay propaganda'

I really wish that the above people would not pretend that their hatred for gay people and their terror of homosexuality comes from the Bible.

The Bible does contain clear negative portraits of homosexual acts, and those gay Christian activists who pretend that it doesn't, or that the writer didn't really mean to include kind and caring people in loving same-sex relationships and would be horrified at that interpretation, are kidding themselves. But the brute existence of such passages in scripture, rare as they are, cannot explain the mass hate to be seen in Ukraine and like-minded countries. It certainly doesn't explain the mass unease in places like the UK and more 'liberal' areas of the US.

Don't try to deny that unease, by the way. You will be lying to yourself. Even if you personally don't feel it, all you have to do is spend time quietly observing a group of ordinary heterosexual young men when one is accused, entirely in jest, of being gay. Previous banter about his level of intelligence, sense of humour and even sexual prowess with women have provoked only good-natured ripostes and easy smiles all round; the moment there is any suggestion that he feels an attraction to men, whether sexual or romantic (I'm not sure everyone in the group usually perceives the difference), the smile is gone, he is instantly surly and defensive and he will often suggest that that accusation is taking banter too far. The accusers seize on his discomfort, not to explore the underlying homophobic feelings which to his credit he works hard to suppress in general, but to tease him the more gleefully about this pretended 'weakness' of being gay. If you were one of the very few people who read my last entry you will know that I am alive to the often unnoticed ways in which unfavourable attitudes towards homosexuality are perpetuated through the unthinking use of detrimental language. It is the same with this kind of 'banter'.

To make my position a little clearer, I'm not over-keen on overtly favourable attitudes either; it irks me that my species with its perceived heightened intelligence must either support or oppose any given sexual orientation as if it were a political party. One may support the appointment of capable women to employment and government positions but one cannot be pro-women, though generations of politicians in the last century have courted The Female Vote by pretending that it is possible. A womb is not a life choice (for most of us anyway), and as far as I can see neither is an attraction to the same gender. I am not myself gay so I am by definition poorly qualified to judge, a position which I wish were more widely taken, and not only in the area of sexuality equality.

I can't offer an explanation for this unease about homosexuality. I don't understand it. Equally, I don't know what Jesus's views on homosexuality are, as I do not believe he is quoted directly on the subject, and even if he has been I have done too much - and perhaps too little - study of the social context, decades after his death, in which the gospels were written to take every attributed saying literally.* I have prayed for guidance in this area and now take the above position; I am given to understand that others have prayed and been differently guided, so from a fact-chasing standpoint I am no further on than I was when I started, but then I am not convinced exclusively by written facts.

My campaign is not for or against homosexuality or any other orientation. I am impassioned to offer an opportunity for people to really consider the things we do thoughtlessly that perpetuate hateful attitudes, and the thoughtless acceptance of the explanation that because someone wrote something down a very long time ago that is the only and unquestionable reason for our prejudices.

* The curse of the casual Christian history student, which if unchecked can make a mockery of the whole idea of faith.

P. S. In an effort to expose the thoughtless antagonism also present among 'liberal' elements towards people acting on different moral impulses, I see members of the organisations which attempt to 'cure' homosexuality at least acting in some degree on the love to which Jesus quite unquestionably did repeatedly call us. Before you oppose this suggestion automatically, imagine that you believe sincerely that there is eternal existence outside this life, that sorrow in this life is as nothing compared to joy with our Creator for the rest of time, and that people who engage in the sin of sodomy will go straight to Hell and stay there. Wait until you are imagining that before reading on. ... In that belief, an attempt to stop the sin is an attempt to ensure that those people avoid an eternity of suffering. It wouldn't be very loving for someone in that belief to just leave the sinners to their unending punishment, would it? Think about it.

'Gay' as a derogatory adjective

I find that there is a tendency, especially perhaps among young people, to use the word 'gay' to mean 'of poor quality', 'bad', 'rubbish'. My contemporaries at high school employed this usage of the word; I trust that they have now grown out of it. (I have in general fallen out of touch with them and so have no recent data from which to judge.) I challenge my young colleagues about this repeatedly, though with precisely no positive result and sometimes with the result that they do it more often and chortle about it. I have brought it up in my reviews with my manager, who is excellent, with apparently as little effect.

Why is this homophobic expression seen as so unimportant? The very ease with which it is passed off when I do bring it up makes it the more unpalatable: the people who use it don't care that I and others find it offensive, or that it perpetuates the social norm of homosexuality - and by extension homosexuals - being seen as undesirable and aberrant. They even laugh at it. I am a student of language, so I have more respect for how it can be used to create significant effects, but it doesn't take much study to realise that if a child is told repeatedly that it cannot do something it will be less likely to try. By extension it seems clear to me that if said child hears that its sexual orientation is synonymous with something broken it will see that aspect of itself as broken and be more likely to suffer as a result.

We no longer use racial stereotypes in general conversation, and if we do we are sanctioned. My workplace for one has a strict policy on this. Demeaning gender stereotypes are frowned upon as well. So why is it more acceptable to use 'gay' to denote something rubbish? Is it because many gay people are white males (my preferred reason)? Because society has not yet got to the point of organically outlawing this discrimination as it has with many racial and gender insults? If it is the latter, those who use the word in this way are amoral sheep, bleating it repeatedly until specifically instructed not to.

Maybe that's the argument to use to stop them doing it. Simply telling them that it is unacceptable didn't work, and their concern for me was insufficient to stop them after it became quite clear that I personally find it offensive. Suggesting that gay people might not like it only prompted even one of the team members I respect the most to inform me that s/he has a family member who is gay and who uses the word in this way; I still don't see the relevance of this information to the current situation. To their credit I believe that if I were gay that fact, in combination with my finding it offensive, would stop it. I believe this to be the first situation to have caused me to wish even briefly that I were not heterosexual, which I think is telling about the way non-heterosexual orientations are perceived and which supports my argument to stop promoting this perception.

On several occasions I have repressed the urge to say something that I think would offend them, or make them uncomfortable enough to think about their own use of language. They know that I am a Christian and I'm sure they're aware that there are many Christian groups whose chief pleasure in life inexplicably appears to be the denouncing of homosexuality and gay people, so I have contemplated telling them that I find homosexuals to be all sorts of evil and subhuman, with the aim either of making them realise the level of offence possible by their use of 'gay' as a derogatory adjective or of making them think I am a rabid homophobe who must not be encouraged. Unfortunately, whilst either of these aims if achieved would probably reduce the instances of 'gay' being used in this way, the initial statement would be a gigantic lie and as such I do not believe myself capable of uttering it.

So I continue as I have been, challenging it when I can. My remaining hope is that by repeating my objections as often as possible I will bore those around me into not wanting to provoke another repetition by using 'gay' as a derogatory adjective.

Another message sent to the OU after an oral exam

I just had my L211 French oral exam on Elluminate and neither the moderator nor the poor soul who had to share my group session could hear a word I was saying after the first few seconds. I had logged on 45 minutes early to check my settings and when I found the problem I called the computer helpdesk, who couldn't help me. I have never had this problem before either with Elluminate tutorials or with my L194 Spanish oral last week, so I don't think it's suddenly my headset that's causing the problem, but I fetched the external microphone from my dictaphone anyway in case the headset had got knocked or something in the last week. The problem persisted.

Will I be able to re-take the assessment at all? I don't especially want my technological problems to be 'taken into account' because if no one could hear anything I said it's not as if there's any recording for the assessors to go on. My French is good and I should be given an opportunity to demonstrate that. I was even looking forward to this exam because I was confident that I would do well and get a good mark. Now I'm looking at a fail for not actually contributing at all, or at best a 40% pity pass from a kindly assessor.

Elluminate is a TERRIBLE way to assess speaking competence. It should only be used in extreme circumstances, for example for students who live in countries where there are no OU centres. The lady who was in my group coped admirably and her French is excellent so I'd have thought she wouldn't need anything to be taken into account, but in case there's a borderline mark or anything I hope that the challenge she faced brilliantly in being effectively all on her own in the exam will be recognised.

I have worked very hard for this course and got good marks for my TMAs, but I am now bitterly disappointed and very worried. I have a disabling helath condition and this situation will only make my health worse. If I hadn't put a down-payment on my next course, and if I had any other option than the Open University, I would withdraw from the degree path.

Anne

My latest Spanish submission

Querida María:

¿Qué tal? ¿Cómo estás? Te escribo desde Aranjuez. ¡Tengo muchas cosas que contarte!

Aranjuez está cerca de Madrid y es una ciudad muy preciosa. Hay unos palacios reales aquí y cuentan con los mejores jardines de España. El Jardín del Rey es mi favorito, y ayer por la mañana lo he visitado yo sola.

Nuestra casa está cerca del centro de la ciudad – ¡es más grande que nuestra casa en Inglaterra! Me encantan sus grandes ventanas porque puedo ver el Palacio Real de Aranjuez desde mi habitación. La familia y yo hemos hecho un recorrido turístico por el palacio el lunes. Es un museo ahora, pero en el siglo XVI fue la casa de los reyes católicos como Felipe II.

Hace sol casi todos los días, y podemos se poner unas camisetas y unos pantalones cortos, pero mi padre lleva siempre unos pantalones. Si no llueve en las cuatro próximas semanas, vamos todos a acampar cerca de la Laguna Grande de Gredos. ¡Si llueve, vamos a llevar unas chaquetas y unas botas!

Tengo que terminar esta carta aquí y ir a comer con la familia. Ése me recuerda que quiero te preguntar a preparar una barbacoa para todos para nuestro regreso. Vamos a volver el viernes 26 de octubre a las seis de la tarde.

Besos,

Anne